There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
