I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
