Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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