I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
