Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize