The maid of honor just puked.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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