i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
