I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
