I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
