wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
