How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
