This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
