I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
