she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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