I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
