The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
