Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
