I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
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Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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