I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
