i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
