Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
