Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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