I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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