I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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