I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
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my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
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You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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