Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
