ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
