My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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