I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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