I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
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When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
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Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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