my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
