you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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