Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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