you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I got inside last night via doggy door
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
