I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize