I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
