I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
