I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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