I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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