He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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