You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
