Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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