I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
