He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
