I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
