You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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