Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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