She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
