life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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