Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
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Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
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So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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