youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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