you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
